When I'm Sixty-Four

When I get older losing my hair
Many years from now
Will you still be sending me a valentine
Birthday greetings, bottle of wine?
If I'd been out till quarter to three
Would you lock the door?
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I'm sixty-four?

-- Paul McCartney, John Lennon

I don't remember my first birthday, do you? Somewhere I have a photo of me on that day, a toddler with dark, curly ringlets staring at her first birthday cake, its candle alight. I suspect those first birthdays are probably more for mom and dad than they are for the birthday baby, as they celebrate one year of a new child -- especially a first one. But by the time I was four, birthdays had become a big deal, time to celebrate with my cousins. This photo makes no sense because no one in this picture deserved eight candles at that time!

And I would always celebrate with my very best childhood friend, Nancy. I remember this one, vaguely. Nancy and I were in our party dresses and she was so excited about her present, she helped me open it!



And of course, we had a party!

There was a party when I was five, too. The cousins were there and the neighbor kids. It was so many moons ago. But there were the party hats, the blowers, the ice cream. It was tradition!

I remember those times, the parties, the cake. When I turned nine -- or maybe 10 -- we took my friends to see Judy Holliday and Dean Martin to the movie "Bells are Ringing." This was largely because I wanted to be Judy Holliday. She was funny and pretty and could sing. Then we came back to the yard for cake my mom made and had a grand time. (I'm not sure anyone liked the movie as well as I did, but I didn't know Suzanne then. She would have appreciated it!)

Celebrating in 2011, with the Cleveland cousins!

The thing about birthdays is that as we age, we change not only our bodies, interests, intelligence and possibly friends, but we also change what I call our "birthday needs." It used to be all about the cake. When I was 18, my mom made me a styrofoam birthday cake because I was on some kind of weird diet (as usual) and she wanted me to have a cake with candles to make a wish on. I need to scan that photo, too! I made the wish but apparently it didn't stick because when I look at that photo, I think I looked great then. This year? Too much cake in my history!

Now, so many moons later, the focus has changed again. Not that the cake isn't wonderful and loved because face it, who doesn't love cake? But there's hygiene to consider! Four years ago, when Rick and my friends surprised me at 60, I suspect no one was thrilled to have me blow out the candles! My lung disease may not be contagious but it sure scares people and I tried to blow carefully with no spit. No spit is always a good goal for birthday blowing but when you are a coughing girl it is almost mandatory!

Tall candles (back maybe six, seven years ago when celebrating with Mark and Jan) are always helpful!

Then we went to the individual dessert phase!

Presents changed, too. First it was dolls and toys. And books. The desire for new books has never changed and never will! Then when we were older, clothes and jewelry. Things for the house. Trinkets and pretties. And of course, who doesn't love trinkets and pretties? But now I find we tend to exchange different, equally wonderful and treasured gifts. Lots of them are "consumables." An interesting condiment. Good wine. Socks, a personal favorite. Art supplies. Gift cards to our favorite spots. Gifts from the heart, made with love (like the handwarmers that I opened last night that were made by childhood friend Nancy, from these photos.) We've all realized that we "of a certain age" are cleaning our closets, taking carloads to Goodwill and are running out of space, even with the clean-outs. Sometimes what means the most is spending time with a friend -- a lunch or dinner out, a road trip, time to share and savor.

Nancy "helping" me open my birthday present at age 4.

Because like it or not, healthy or ill, we all know that each birthday celebrated is one closer to the countdown of no birthdays. It could be tomorrow, next year, five years or ten years or twenty. Those of us in our sixties -- it will be 64 for me this week -- see that end game a bit more clearly than our twenty-and-thirty-something friends. Yet it takes only a maniac driver, a bungee cord failure, or being in the wrong place at the wrong time to end those celebrations forever.

It changes our perspectives and we realize that the greatest gift of all is the opportunity to live the lives we are living as well and as happily as we can, no matter how old or physically challenged we might be. And yes, I know -- that can be a challenge when days are hard because we don't feel well or are concerned as we care for another, when the work days are long. We must try as best we can to keep our emotional houses in order and not sweat the small stuff, or to find at least one or two good things from every day to hold onto, whether it is the purr of a cat, the unexpected encounter with a friend, a walk in the garden. We learn that in being kind we are treated kindly; that in sharing what we have, others will share with us. In savoring our happy days and moments, we find there are more to savor and even if there aren't all that many, they will be better for the savoring.

For some of us, birthdays will be different, perhaps sadder, because we will be missing some who always celebrated with us in earlier times -- our moms and dads, sisters and brothers, friends who live far away. They may be different, simply because of schedules. For the first time in my life I will have a birthday without either family or Rick at hand. He will be on the seat of a bike and several days later we'll have a delayed birthday -- all the more fun for extending the celebration. I, however, will be celebrating with the one person in my history who would have loved that Judy Holliday movie so long ago, my friend Suzanne. I doubt we'll watch "Bells are Ringing." But then, it's Suzanne, with the home movie theatre and tens of thousands of DVDs recorded and dubbed over time. So, anything is possible!

If I have learned anything over these years, and I think I have, the lessons are those not simply those of building career or a bank account. Those things may help us have a good life and ensure a relatively secure future but they don't make one in and of themselves. I prefer to think of my life as having built relationships, all of from which I have learned. I have discovered passions, some of which I have worked to perfect and expand upon and others that were fleeting but helped me grow. I've learned to relax, to remember that stress makes me sick. I think of how well I have been in the past two years of retirement, how I've been able to take care of my health and make my life even better. I will try hard not to let myself go there again. I'm far from perfect but I have tried to stay curious and interested and learn new things, not be judgmental and smile a lot.

It usually works! So, make a wish! I'll tell you mine. I wish I could live happy and healthy and surrounded by people I love for a lot more years! (And maybe I'll toss in a bonus wish to return to Europe because it's my birthday!)

Cheers!