Saturday, April 25, 2020

The Song that Does Not End

So, how are you all doing? Please tell me in the comments -- good, bad, long, short. Vent if you like. I need to.

More than a month. And I don't have a whole lot to show for it. Sometimes I just need to vent. Do you? I hope you do because it's a load to keep inside.


Remember when we were talking about Lamb Chop? Some of you mentioned "The Song that Does Not End." Certainly that's a fine metaphor for life in the time of Covid 19. If you don't know the song, you can take a listen. Don't listen too long ... it will be stuck in your head forever.


This is one of "those" weeks. We just passed the anniversary of my mom's death. It's not like it was recent -- forty three years. But it just kind of sticks with me every year. Combine that with the lockdown and the weather and it feels bigger than it is.


The weather has been gloomy and cold. We've even had snow and the sunny days seem to be few and far between. When they come, it is windy, which makes it feel colder. I am so longing for the full force of spring.


I'm doing fine, really. So is Rick. We are healthy. We are financially OK. Some bumps that could have been big ones for him (losing a tenant from his largest duplex which is a good chunk of change) ended up well (new tenant moving in soon, and he looks like a good one).

And in all honesty, my days aren't all that different. I'm not sitting around being bored; there's plenty to do -- more than I'm doing, to be honest. There are more than a few jobs that should be getting done and aren't. No motivation. I'm too stuck to the computer. And the news. I try to wean myself from the news. I find if I watch BBC News, I get less stressed. Go figure.

I want to emigrate. Somewhere. Anywhere. But there's no place that's safe.

I'm frustrated that I'm not reading as much as I had hoped, or creating as much as I hoped (I will share a few of those things in another post; I haven't been totally idle).

I've finished all the "Midsomer Murders" and am revisiting the very old "Lovejoy" episodes on Acorn. How old is "Lovejoy"? Well, "Mrs. Hughes (Phyllis Logan) of "Downton" was the quite young, beautiful and very snappy female lead. Every now and then I can see the woman she aged into, but not so often as I'd expect!
 


It seems the only thing I want to do is cook. I will say, we've eaten well during this (once I finally pull an Instacart order together.) Curried chicken; parmesan, mushroom and shrimp risotto; chicken-artichoke casserole and lots of baking -- cookies, scones, lemon bread.

I have my routine. Get up, get dressed and feed Lizzie. Tidy up the kitchen. Computer and blog in the morning. I write to friends, check in on all of you. Clean Lizzie's box. Get on my breathing machine. Lunch. Take a walk (unless it's an ugly day out.) Get the mail, disinfect it and put it in the garage in its holding zone. On grocery delivery days, I disinfect the food and leave as much as possible in the holding zone. Wash the veggies and fruit in soap and water and fridge or freeze. Back to the computer. Write a letter, pay a bill. Maybe do something creative or read or poke about in the yard -- do some sort of task. Get on my breathing machine. Eventually start dinner if Rick is coming. Feed Lizzie. We eat, watch something or maybe a game. He leaves. (Or, I go to his house for dinner.) I disinfect the door handles, remotes and phone, grab a book and get back on the breathing machine. Lizzie gets her snack and I get ready for bed, where I proceed to have dreams that are clearly connected to the virus. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Mostly, I worry. I worry tremendously about the virus and about being "out there." I don't see myself going "there" till there's a good vaccine. And we all know that is a very long time. Things may lighten up and I might feel comfortable going some places where I can keep distance, but I have little desire to do so.



I worry about friends and family. I have heard of more cases of Covid among people I know directly or indirectly and the stories aren't pretty.

I worry about meat packing plants being so contaminated and reading conflicting reports as to whether or not the meat will actually be safe. I might become a vegetarian by the time this is done -- but are those safe either? At least you can wash down fruits and veggies. It's a lot harder with a pork chop.


I worry about the mail, both its safety and the safety of the postal workers who aren't being given protection by our government.

I get angry. I'm very angry at the protestors who came to my city and blocked hospital entrances and roads and who think only of themselves, while politicizing other issues with the safety of the virus. I get angry at the president for lying through his teeth every time he steps up to the podium and encourages insurrection or offers spurious medical advice. I get angry at the neighbors and others who seem to ignore social distancing rules. I get angry at those who are trying to force opening up cities that have yet to peak, much less come down. They seem to think "It's all about ME!"


And I get angry at those who are trying to tear down the scientists, the very people who are doing their best to work through this mess and keep us safe.


I'm angry that the people who are trying most to help us -- the medical workers -- have inadequate protective equipment to keep them safe.



I don't get angry often. This is a new experience for me.

And I'm sad. I'm sad that our lives have changed and that as a worldwide collective, life is different. I truly believe we will never know the normal we knew in early March or before. Maybe in your lifetime. Not, I think, in mine.


I'm sad that we don't (at least I don't) really have control. I truly don't miss my book club or shopping or board meetings or seeing most people. What I miss is knowing that I just can't go do any one of those things if I would want to. And hugs. I miss hugs.


I'm sad that my trip to England was canceled and who knows what will happen with being at the cottage this summer.


I'm sad that Rick and I can't touch. That I haven't physically touched a living thing apart from Lizzie in oh, so long.


I'm sad to not see the Toddler Twosome or the kids. And that any connection I have with a friend is yards apart and looks something like this.


I'm sad for friends who are dealing with this disease directly. And for strangers, too, who are either working in the medical field and who are walking through death corridors hour after hour, doing their very best for their patients who are ill and dying alone.


I am sad for those who are unemployed and not able to get on the unemployment rolls. And for those in states that are opening up, whether it is safe or not. Now these people may well be at great risk as they go back to work. It doesn't matter if they don't feel safe -- they cannot collect unemployment if their business is open, even if they don't work.


I'm sad for the businesses that won't survive. I know that none of them will be getting my business for many months, even old favorites. And I also know I'm not alone with that. And I'm sorry. But it's not worth it.

I'm slightly sad I look like this. And by the time this is over, I'll look a lot worse!


But I am grateful, too. Grateful for medical workers, grocery staff, food-deliverers, the postal service, kind friends who surprise me, the internet and ways to communicate or be entertained. Grateful for resources to buy food and pay my mortgage. Grateful for Rick and Lizzie and my docs and countless friends who talk me down when I get a little wired, even if they don't realize they are doing it. Grateful for the scientists and our governor and those working hard to fight this. So grateful.


It was yet another in a string of gloomy days when I wrote this and I was in quite the funk. Today the sun is out, it might be warming up. Should I hit publish? Yes, because we all need to vent. Maybe today I can pull off cheery. Because that's what I do.

Meanwhile...


Well, almost everything.

Sharing with:   Let's Add Sprinkles    /     Pink Saturday       

60 comments:

Valerie-Jael said...

Yes, life is not easy just now! I go for my lonely walks and talk to myself at home. It guarantees me a good answer each time. I read a lot and sewed more than 30 masks for others. And coffee and choccie help by frustration! Stay safe and well, we must get through this! Hugs, Valerie

Pam said...

Hello fellow Michigander! Yes, I was pis sed when I saw the protesters in Lansing, no masks, no gloves, taking their kids! I am angry that there are so many stupid people out there who will, by their lack of common sense and ignorance, make this horrible virus continue for a very long time I'm afraid. We do go out, walks, pick up groceries. I am so anxious every time we go out, even with protection. Grateful that my 70 year old husband can work from home, even though as the old man at GM, I'm afraid they may release him before he can collect his full S.S. We will need that. I miss our children, one in San Fran., one with our 3 grands only 3 miles away (haven't seen them in 2 months), and our lovely daughter who had tSo o cancel her wedding in April. I am sad about that and about thinking of all the people affected by this damn panic. I don't mind being homebound but I do miss that I feel I can't go out when I want to.
I look forward to our w eekly facetime game of Sequence or Uno with friends. Yes, I do miss hugs. Thanks for the "vent time". Do take care. Eventually we will get back to some kind of "new" normal.

Rustic Pumpkin said...

You asked, so here goes. I am quite happy and content in my cottage, for I am a natural hermit. I am missing my Godmother, we've had to postpone a couple of lunches out. Other than her I have no one to miss, and we talk on the phone often. I am missing Mum more than I thought ever possible! It's as if this situation has exacerbated my grieving. It's barely been 18 months. I am angry ~ angry at the idiots who don't seem to take this seriously, and I am hopping mad that my master plan to take a year out to oversee some much needed repairs to my cottage is now on hold. No work, no income, no goal achievement. I miss going out on the coast path, but in time that will be allowed again, I am sure, but it hurts to miss seeing all the spectacular Spring flowers and nesting birds. I am gradually accepting that this new way of life could be it for me until an effective vaccine is found. So, that's about it.

~~~Waving~~~Deb in Wales

Misadventures of Widowhood said...

I wish I could reach through the computer screen and give you a giant hug. The whole world needs hugs right now but, of course, it's also exactly what we don't need if we're going to stop the spread of this virus.

What you wrote here speaks for and to most of us, I have no doubt about that. We all have so many conflicting feelings and fears and the anger that's building up is reaching a boiling point. Letting off the steam, blogging our true feelings, helps both the writer and the reader so think you for that.

My motivation is gone and I can't seem to stop reading which makes me feel bad that so many other things are getting neglected. This too shall pass but it's going to take time.

Sandra said...

Please continue to vent. It is good to see that others have the same feelings. For me, once the anger is acknowledged, I can begin to move on. Hope it is that way for you as well.

cindy said...

Hi Jeannie! You just did a wonderful thing with your unvarnished expression of all that is swirling around and thru us in this time of pandemic. Thank you for exposing your feelings. I share them, and i know so many others do as well.I was reassured by you that i'm ok too ,despite feeling in"free fall" each and every day.I cannot make sense of it because i get sidetracked by fear, or empathy, or gratitude of giant proportions all clashing with each other. I am married to one of the really bright scientists for 47 years. He is calm, centered on the work at hand, smart and unwilling to go down any dark rabbit holes (unlike me) But i can rest in his capabiities and the assurance that no matter how it may look on any given day, there are many many people like him actually doing things to lead us thru and out of this. your being there is part of this.love you, thank you.

Sandra at Maison De Jardin said...

Hi Jeanie, I agree completely with everything you are angry and sad about. I believe we will be in this current life for quite a while. I hold close every word that comes from scientists and doctors. It is all so very distressing.

I work in my garden when I can, our weather has been rainy and cold. Therefore, my garden time has been limited, but it is a saving grace when I can get there. Like you, I haven't read as much as I thought I would. My heart just hasn't been there.

In spite of it all, I am holding on to the fact that we will come through this as a better people. The trick will be if we remain so. Stay well, my friend. Hug sweet Lizzie. Spring will arrive in Michigan.

~Lavender Dreamer~ said...

I guess my sign would say...Bread fixes everything! I've baked and made the best bread lately. But I'm like you....I feel mad and I feel sad for all of the same reasons. I worry...even though I know that doesn't help. I am ok here at home but I worry about our 'kids' and grandkids that are out there, working and helping others. I'm proud of them, but I worry. Thanks for voicing what I haven't had the energy to say. Take care and stay healthy. Pretty soon your hair will look like mine! teehee! Hugs, Diane

gigi-hawaii said...

Yes, pie fixes everything. There is a chocolate macadamia nut pie sitting in our fridge.

Karen said...

Health wise we are all okay at this end.
One BIG thing I am noticing is my attention span is wavering. I cannot watch a movie to save my soul. I can read a chapter. Where sometimes five books would fall off my table in a week, this past month has only seen a book of short stories by Rosamunde Pilcher go back in the bag. Was it YOU who got me on to her books Jeanie?
Today was GLORIOUS! I spent it all outdoors!
I am grateful that two of my family members, who are professional problem solvers, are keeping healthy. My nephew is a police officer on the front lines of a border city with some crazy problems. My daughter is a professional something or other (honestly, I don't know exactly what her title is) in an addictions hospital in the inner city. She is usually face to face with some folks with BIG issues. The potential is there for these two precious children to be exposed. Front Line workers are going to be our salvation in all this!
The situation in our long term care homes in Ontario is dire too. It saddens me that a whole generation of people are going to be drastically eradicated (is that the wrong word?) by the virus.
Come to Canada! Get north of the cities! We are healthy here!
I'm on pension and Mike's work is an essential service, so we are not hurting financially either. I am thankful that all of my children are okay too. And my siblings. And my neighbours are all either professionals like teachers, essential workers or retirees. But I know there are many who don't know what is going to happen next.

The Joy of Home with Martha Ellen said...

Oh dear Jeanie, my heart is with you on these issues which are facing us all! I really, really, miss my family like everyone else! The unknown certainly is frightening. Not knowing how the future will be if we end these lockdowns is extremely scary! I pray that reason will prevail with each state as each governor decides what is best. Take care and have a piece of pie for me. xo

Joyful said...

Hello dear Jeanie, I hope by the time I post this that the sun will have come out for you in a big way. I find that sun helps boost our mood even for people like me who do not like heat. I do like to see the sun. I have to say that for the first several weeks after the pandemic I just didn't feel myself either. I didn't do much beyond cooking, eating, dishes and shopping. I beat myself too for not doing reading or getting to projects. Thankfully that phase has more or less passed. I am doing a little here and there and have more than enough to keep me busy for the foreseeable future. I hope I can continue to do a little here and there. Like you I am getting ticked off with the protestors, the racists and so on who are now coming out to protest against remaining at home and calling out our head doctor who happens to be Chinese. It's despicable when our health and political officials are working night and day to try and keep us safe and updated. I need to start praying for these ones who fulfill such responsible roles on our behalf. Surely they too need a break not to mention the health care workers who need PPE. I know our PM and our provincial leaders are doing everything they can to obtain more PPE especially since your President said 'no' to exports to Canada which is where we usually get the masks. I do understand your President in many ways. I cannot fault him for doing what he thinks is best for the people of the USA. Hugs to you. xx

Jenny Woolf said...

Oh Jeanie, you are so not alone in feeling like this. I have thought every one of those things that you say, and more. I honestly think everyone I know is struggling. Even those who are usually calm and long suffering, and who NEVER seem to be fazed by anything are admitting to days of gloom and anxiety. This is second hand living that we are having to do.

What cheers me is the thought that tens of thousands of our best minds are all focused on getting the better of this issue, all over the world, and are having vast sums of money thrown their way to help them.

Bohemian said...

I'm glad you hit Publish, this was a Heartfelt Post that so many of us can relate to on so many levels. Venting is therapeutic and I've done some Rant Posts myself. Sometimes I start a Post with Sunshine, Rainbows and it deteriorates into a Rant! *LOL*

David M. Gascoigne, said...

I have to say that this whole situation is affecting me so little that I hardly recognize it. Of course, there are obvious changes in mobility, but Miriam and I still live together in exactly the same way we have always done, take care of each other, enjoy each other's company, cook together, eat together, sleep together. We don't see friends, but to be truthful I don't miss that. I will be perfectly happy to get together with them again whenever that is possible, but in the meantime I am fine without the social contact. No one in our immediate family lives locally so we are not used to seeing our kids and grandkids regularly anyway. Tonight, through the magic of technology, we will be chatting with friends in Australia via FaceTime, ironically not something we thought to do before Covid-19. So there you have it. i am basically fine with my lot in life right now. I confess, however, that I will be a lot happier when my investments gain back the losses they suffered! Time should take care of that.

Sandra Cox said...


Some people are just nuts. And you can't help wondering what the reaction is going to be by scoffers if they or their loved ones catch it.
Huge viral hugs, wishing you a day filled with sparkle and sunshine.

Mica said...

Sorry things have been so tough for you recently! I hope that everything gets a little more manageable soon and you are able to see your friends again. I'm missing my parents very much and I look forward to restrictions being lifted so I can see them again soon. I think we are in for another 4 weeks at least of the schools being closed here, they say they will reevaluate it mid may and I hope they look at easing some restrictions then.

Luckily we have been pretty safe here with the virus - although I'm ordering online and only going out for the grocery shop to stay safe! sadly all the deaths we have been hearing of are friends and family overseas - no one we know, but bothers or colleagues of friends and family members which is very sad. It will be nice when all of this is over!

Hope that you are having a lovely and better weekend :)

Away From Blue

Carol said...

You have every right to feel just the way you do. I am mad at the protestors that seem to think that it is all about them being able to get their haircut and other stupid stuff when lives are at stake. President Trump needs to keep his medical advice quiet as he truly has no idea what he is saying.

I worry that with our state opening up, my daughter is going to be walking straight into a fire. She works in a beauty shop in the nursing home that has lost 26 patients to this virus and many more sick. I worry about my husband who will be in contact as well when she does return due to us having the grand doll daily. Scary and just feel that we are doing things way too quickly to keep others happy.

Mae Travels said...

Hi Jeanie,
So many angry people! My granddaughter today texted me about her anger, specifically with Trump. I agree with her that he bears a huge responsibility for creating an environment where people lose everything, and then tells them to go drink bleach. I think I am more angry about irresponsible politicians in the US Senate, in Trump's now all-toady-all-the-time executive branch, in the Michigan Legislature, and a few other places where they can make everything so much worse, and deny the future to so many of us (even if we don't get the virus).

be well... mae at maefood.blogspot.com

Debbie-Dabble Blog and A Debbie-Dabble Christmas said...

Jeanie,
So sorry that you are feeling like this.....I know many people are but you wanted truth, well here it is...I am not one of them who is having a hard time....I am actually doing quite well and nothing much has changed for me except that I do not go out shopping weekly which was all I was going out since I retired but I am good with it. I am not worried nor am I afraid...Have never been even from the start of this... I do not pray for the safety of my family but rather I pray thanking God that he kept them safe for one more day...at the end of each day. 12 years ago after I was diagnosed with cancer, I made my peace with my own demise. I am not afraid of dying and actually,never have been because I was brought up that way. From a very young age, being born to older parents, my parents made it quite clear that when it was their time, it was their time. They did not want to be saved by artificial means. The day my Dad died at 67 years old, my Mother invoked her DNR. I honored her wishes when it was her time to pass on. I have had a DNR in place for 12 years now since I am 50 years old. I have a profound belief in what is meant to be, will be... I have raised my children to believe the same way..... I no longer watch National News and I am now not even paying attention much to the local news dealing with the virus.... Joe pretty much feels the same way. Should either one of us contract the virus we will not seek treatment .... If we were to die from it then it was meant to be and that is how we feel..... So I am quite at ease and at peace during this time.... Sorry, but this is how I feel...
Hugs to you,
Debbie

bobbie said...

Sending you HUGE cyber hugs!! I am grateful for you, and for all the other bloggers who are making me smile and laugh along the way ~
Bless you ~

My name is Erika. said...

I think today must be a day for regret and disappointment. For me too. I was supposed to be in London today, and that makes me sad. 2020 was going to be a big travel year for me, and now, not. My mom has started to turn downhill. Now more worry than I had yesterday. And talk about what she would want. Snow is coming Monday they say. I haven't read as much or done as much art as I want. (Does this sound familiar?) I need my roots done and a haircut. I haven't seen my daughter since early March. So many needing people.That's how I have been today. I feel like I could have written much of your post.
I love the photo of you and your parents. I can see them both in you. It does sound there is some good things. Rick's new tenant. Having Rick. And you are so good at putting all those feeling down on paper-well online paper.
Take care Jeanie. Tomorrow is a new day. And hopefully a better day.
Thinking of you. Hugs-Erika

Evi Erlinda said...

I am well :)
It is a lovely post, Jeanie!
I agree with your feelings and thank you for the vent :)

Iris Flavia said...

Ohhh, that piggy! Where was that, Florence? There is a boar you can touch and make a wish.
Now... do I click that video???? OMG is that cute!

Yes. Big hugs to you. We always have two dates to mourn. When we celebreated their Birthdays and when they had to leave us for good. And I don´t even know which hurts more. I´m with you...
What a beautiful picture of you all!

Same here, no motivation. I said: "I need to clean the windows." Ingo: "Nah, the cold would come in, let it go." - My man ;-)

Yes, we want to leave Germany, too. But where to go??? And yes, I did cook!!

You need a breathing machine? I am sorry, I never knew!
Still no desinfectant here. Germany, pfff.
Glad I love meat waaaay overcooked, "Corinna" will die in the heat.

What??? People blocking hospitals, how "sick" are they in their heads. And politicians... dumb. One was charged €5000 being in a lift with too many people and without a mask after telling us like we were kids to wear a mask.
Science is all that can help, I agree.

YES. We WILL get back to normal soon, I am sure! In your lifetime, don´t be silly ;-) SOON! We will hug, we will sit together at tables and enjoy lunch with friends, SOON!
I am glad Ingo and I can touch each other, I am, and I understand your frustration very much.
And, yes, many businesses will have to close down, I´m afraid of that, also.

Be glad I´m not there, hair-wise! Ingo wanted a hair-cut from me... weeee, not good!

Yes, publishing was right. When it´s out, you feel better. I have some of those posts, too. The world is not always sunshine and unicorn-poo, is it. We are human beings and I hate those who seem to be always happy, happy, happy- No one is always happy. And that´s what blogging is also about.
Online friends are there to help. To laugh and to cry with you.
When Ingo was severly sick I could tell no one here. One real hug and I´d broken down, but I needed the strength to be there for him, talk to the doctors etc. Online friends helped me so big!

We still have frozen self-made meat pies.
A virtual one with a hug to you, dear friend!
Soon...

Stevenson Que said...

Oh please Jeanie, that last one is not to be sad about because you look amazing as ever! As long as we keep our light shining, we'll always be beautiful. I feel sad about the things you are sad because I also feel that way. And I also feel sad because you can't touch Rick and I am very sure he is longing for your embrace as well but I pray that this will be over sooner. I believe in miracles and it's one that we need right now so I never stop praying. Thank you also for sharing the photo of your family, your mother looks very sweet and caring!

Enjoy your Sunday, it starts there and ends here. Ughh Monday again! But as you said, be grateful because I have work and others do not.

eileeninmd said...

Hi Jeanie,

We are all in this together, many with the same stories. Venting helps. We have many things to be grateful for, your health is most important. I hope we can go back to normal soon. Hugs, stay safe and calm.
Take care and have a great day. Wishing you a great new week!

La Table De Nana said...

I feel so much the same things..it's a sadness..a heavy sorrow.
The news is just so tragic..
Last night in a sector of Mtl..a mom stabbed her 11 yr old daughter to death and a 5 yr old is in critical condition..Mental health problems in lockdowns..in small enclosed apartments..no yards..Nova Scotia.
My family is doing well and handling all this without showing us any sign of discouragement.
You're such an honest girl..never change..

I agree not everything is sunshine lollipops..x

La Table De Nana said...

PS Can't seem to get into books that don't garb me from the onset:) And to be clear..I don't miss social as you know:) Just home w/ J is where my ♥ is and family.

Mary Rose's said...

What a great vent! Well written too (of course!) but so candid, so real. Love you, friend! Thank goodness for you!

Victoria Zigler said...

Physically, I'm fine; physically I'm about as good as I get. Mentally/emotionally though... That's another matter, and I'm so unsure of exactly where to start on answering that one that I've typed a reply in this box and then deleted it to start again at least half a dozen times, and still don't know what to say. So, I'll just say this: from the sound of your post, mentally/emotionally I'm doing about the same as you.

The French Hutch said...

It's good to vent Jeanie! I miss hugs, from all of my family which I've not seen since Christmas. Of course we FaceTime and I'm so thankful for that. I am very concerned about family having to go back to work, will there be another surge in cases! I'm angry most of all with China!!!! Look what they've done to the entire planet! I am thankful and humble we have the comfort of home and food, at least for now. Just read a news report about the possibility of a meat shortage. Hang in there, sending the virtual hug............

Pam Richardson said...

Jeanie, sometimes we just feel better to let it all out. It is the most challenging time, but being grateful helps me navigate life as it is now.

Joanne Huffman said...

The hardest part for me is the uncertainty. I am quite comfortable in my newish home. The basement is still unpacked; but I have gone on some search and don't-destroy missions and found some art supplies. My larder is full, thanks to Instacart. I'm baking too much (chocolate chip oatmeal cookies are what's for breakfast). I get to talk to/see my daughters and granddaughters online or with my smart phone, for which I am grateful. I seem to be able to keep in touch with my friends. But, I haven't touched a person since March 20; and, I miss that. I usually go to Florida in the summer and have no idea when I will next head down there. I'm assuming there will be a continuation of our stay at home and I totally support the governor in her efforts to keep us safe. Sometimes, I get depressed and feel sorry for myself; sometimes I'm grateful for my current safety and health. Sometimes, I am optimistic; sometimes I am pessimistic. Take care of yourself and stay safe, my friend.

Decor To Adore said...

I am not at all bored. The days and weeks pass quickly. Homeschooling, cooking, laundry, etc fill my days. The gaps are filled with walks, gardening, sewing, and crafting. This week was the hardest with the cancellation of our long-awaited trip. But it was the right thing to do. I did get irritated with those who said: "You mean postponed." No, I mean canceled. My son leaves for University (I hope) in early August. He will be on his own very specific schedule. Then there is the thought of How many Trooping of the Colors does SHE have left. Sigh. But we are healthy and that is EVERYTHING! Be well dear one.

ellen said...

God bless our President and our country. Mr. Trump is doing his best. I think if you do some research, you will find that his medical ideas are already being tested with positive results. Especially the UV light injected in the body. Done to cure respiratory diseases. As far as disinfectants, we already use those. He never said anything about Lysol or bleach. That's just the fake news. You better be careful-you're sounding like a whining liberal!

Jennifer Richardson said...

Oh I love this post. I feel your heart so strong. I think anger is just a natural part of the grieving process. Big grace to you as you walk through this place.

I had something really unexpected bubble up from my belly as I walked through the past difficult days with my Dad going back and forth to ER room and hospital and surgery and then back to the ER. He was so exposed and so then were my sister and I. We had to drive him back and forth in his dirty hospital scrubs and help him clean off, etc. Just felt so very vulnerable and exposed. We all were.

As I leaned into prayer I felt intense anger bubble up inside but directed for the first time at the virus itself and the fear it has generated. I got mad at the fear. Not in a crazy f-science way. Just so weary of living in fear. I was already in it knee deep, exposure to the virus. All the precautions were in place but it felt like wearing a floppy hat in a hurricane. So I internally sort of charged at the fear. Something shifted inside. Still no words for it but something has changed and I have more energy and creative juices flowing again. Still being cautious; still taking care. But not living in dread. Something freeing about that.

There's my vent:) Thanks for the invite and big love to you and your beautiful, beautiful life.
Large hugs,
Jennifer

Carol @Comfort Spring Station said...

Vent loud and often if it helps. I am not motivated to do much at all. I rant on the phone to my big sister and friends - I eat to have something to do - I look at my yard which looks so overgrown - and I want a quiet day to do my old silly stuff like visit the thrift store, go to a farmer's market, hug a friend. Living alone doesn't ususally bother me but it does now. It does NOW a LOT.

The Happy Whisk said...

Are you able to meet your book club on Zoom, Google Hangouts or Skype?

Red Rose Alley said...

Just send you an e-mail, dear Jeanie.

~Sheri

thepaintedapron.com said...

I am so sorry you are feeling mad and frustrated Jeanie...definitely creativity zappers...the only thing that really can help is remembering that attitude is everything. If you can keep a positive attitude, being so grateful for the little things you do have and can enjoy, it really helps. I have to remind myself often that worrying NEVER does anything except make you feel bad, it too is an energy zapper. You are lucky you can still see Rick, and you have sweet Izzy to keep you company. I feel sorry for people who aren't creative and who must go and do to be happy and hate to be at home, you are so lucky you love to cook, paint, walk, read, write, blog, create and make things... 💕🎨📚 Jenna

creativeseconds.com said...

It's true ~ It's sad, lonely, hard times ~ but worrying does no good, it just causes more sadness and more depression. Just a thought..Try one new activity...set your timer for 15 mins. and clean something, organize something, or create something ~ then you'll have accomplished 1 thing each day and it will feel good. Stay well and keep finding things to be grateful for and pray that this will end soon ~ Lot's of love and blessings to you

Pam said...

Aww....just go GRAY! haha...easier then dealing with covering and I used to be a BIG covering person. Its a sad time we are living in, a unsure time. Crazy and so terribly concerning esp if you know people dealing with this mess. Lost one classmate to it. Jenny's dad has been in the hosp ONE MONTH and having his ups and downs, good and bad days. We have only had 22 deaths in my county and it has hung at that number for weeks now. Good thing on that. Hang in there!Stay well and safe.

Bonnie said...

Jeanie, You have put into words my sentiments exactly. I can sympathize with you about gloomy days. It is hard enough to cope with the virus and its ramifications on a sunny day. I woke up with sadness this morning. Thank you for your visit to my blog. You are very encouraging.
I heard someone call this time quarantine fatigue and that hit home with me. I have so much to be thankful for but like you, I long to hug and visit with friends and family. I am hungry for personal contact.
My spirits were lifted when I started counting my blessings this morning. I don't have a major role to play like the nurses and doctors and government leaders and the military who have to stay ahead of problems. All I can do is stay home and pray for those suffering from the virus, those that care for them, their families, our governors, Congress, city officials, the president, and all support industries. Everyone is struggling and all this is unprecedented. It is truly surreal.
Virtual hugs to you. I appreciate and relate to all you wrote today.

Polly said...

Oh Jeanie, I hope you are feeling a bit better now. I echo a lot of what you said. I have stopped watching the news every day, it makes me too anxious. I know the situation is serious but I don’t want to hear constant criticism and negativity from journalists, we all need positive support. I think the weather makes a difference, we have enjoyed constant glorious weather for almost as long as we have been in lockdown. I love my morning walk with the dogs. I like being at home, reading, working on hobbies or in the garden - it has never looked so neat and tidy! but I do miss my days out. I have been to the supermarket a couple of times. Try not to worry too much, a vaccine is being trialled here in the UK. Jeanie, if you only stay in your home and Rick only stays in his I would hug him, we need hugs. I hope you don’t mind me asking, is your breathing machine for asthma? I watched the original Lovejoy series, it was one of my favourites. I sometimes watch this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdo7s16l04g when I need to take my mind off covid and remember that there is still a big beautiful world out there. There are a lot of lovely videos on Youtube. Stay strong Jeanie xx

Polly said...

PS, my favourite is Moby Everloving Chillout, but it has a lot of snow in it!!

Beatrice P. Boyd said...

Jeanie, first I want to thank you for your honesty and forthrightness in deciding to Publish and not Delete this post. It was important for you to post it and for many of us to read. You are NOT alone in your feelings of isolation and even helplessness (in the sense that there is nothing one can do but stay safe). While I do miss seeing and talking to others and I really dislike seeing masked faces everywhere, even when walking outside in an open space, my life is going OK. At heart I am somewhat of an introvert and my husband, Patrick, growing up as an only child said he too is used to being alone. True, we have one another, but we can be lost in our own worlds even living in an apt vs. a home. It's always been that way with us and so it continues. But we keep in contact with family and friends in many states and several countries, myself more so than Patrick. We are watching vintage films in the evenings, film noir is our newest passion, also more documentaries and reading and cooking. Yes, Pie is a good cure, but we also enjoy gelato and cookies. And, of course wine because why not?

Lowcarb team member said...

Sometimes you just need to vent …

These times are not easy but we will come through it and I so look forward to hugging loved ones, especially the grandchildren … virtual hugs are just not the same!

All the best Jan

Linda B said...

Jeanie,
These are certainly frustrating times we're living in. I, too, become angry when I listen to the news, read comments on Facebook, or witness the idiocy some people display. I truly believe that unless a person is right there on the front lines of this epidemic, watching what is happening daily, they JUST DON'T GET IT.
There. I've vented.

Prims By The Water said...

HUGS to you too! My yellow tulips are just blooming. Just hoping warmer weather will also kill this virus. Just glad we were able to open one store even if it is just curbside. Janice

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

This is a hard time for all of us. It’s harder for some who are ill or have lost their jobs. But we have all lost quite a bit and it’s hard to not know when things will get better... or go back to normal. What will the new normal be like? I’m sad and angry, too, for the same reasons. I miss going to the park and out to dinner with book club and going into the office, among many other things. I am fortunate to live with Phil and Paul but I can still feel lonely at times...

GretchenJoanna said...

Thank you, Jeanie, for sharing your ups and downs and your thoughts. I may have missed it, if someone said this in another comment, but you know, this virus is contracted by breathing it, not eating it. So if there is some on a piece of food, you would only get it by it first getting on your hands and then if you touched your nose and breathed it that way. So washing your hands often is important; but there is no reason meat would be any more dangerous than produce or a package, etc.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can and more to stay safe. And your good attitude will help a lot. Keep on keeping on!

Tracy said...

So glad you had the courage to post this, Jeanie! I think mos to us are feeling exactly the same way! ((BIG HUGS)) LOVE that pic of your & your parents... You all are so cute--your tiny Mom, you, your Dad. Very glad you are doing OK, that the basics and bases are covered. Thankfully we have it OK too. But I know what you mean... a lot of the heart and mind! And like you, I read mostly the news from Britain--BBC, The Guardian...it seems more real--haha! ;) I feel sad often, I feel worry a lot. The uncertainty of what the end of the year might be like, let alone next year, the future... it's all pretty worrisome!:( I worry about the government making the right decisions. I worry about us as a global community, and how we can keep afloat. Is this where "the end" starts? I'm usually a fairly optimistic person, but this time has been challenging my heart and mind big! I think the phrase, "the new normal" is quite true... we're in a time of defining a new kind of normal, and new way of life, of living, and that it's just the beginning. Must say now we're eating mostly vegan, I'm so glad not to have to worry about things like meat. I don't think I'd ever go back to meat, not after all this. Veggies are VERY easy to wash down before cooking/eating! :)

Judy at GoldCountryCottage said...

Jeanie, my love, we will get through this, and I know deep down you do believe that as do I, but sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees and we need to get that out. I find that it is harder for me to do that when left to my own self, but then some brave soul (you) comes along and tells it like it is and then there is no stopping me. I worry so much about this. I saw a little 4 year old boy trying to breathe, and I remember when I was in the hospital and the reaction I had to those morphine pumps and it scares me so bad. I do not want to go through something like that, nor do I want anyone else to either. I admit that I watch the news too much and before I know it I am yelling at the TV, the dogs, and then my husband. Not necessarily in that order. I hate the protests about opening up the country. I know that it has to happen but not before all the good stuff is in place, and it is plain to me that isn't going to happen any time soon. I believe, at first anyway, that "the" supporters are the ones responsible for the protesting, then the poor people that are out of work and money join in. It is not good. I feel lucky that I can kiss and hug my hubby and my dogs, but I hate the fact that I can only talk to my kids over the phone or through the door. One thing I am damn glad of though is that I let my hair go gray long before this crap started,but now the problem is just getting it washed because no one sees me anyway..Yeah, we will get through it one of these days, and we just need to remember to look out for ourselves until then. Sure as hell no one else will..xxoJudy (I told you I could write a book!

Bleubeard and Elizabeth said...

It's OK to vent, Jeannie. I am in the same boat. No motivation, not wanting to make art. I have veggies to plant and they are still in their containers.

I also feel for the workers, the first responders (did you see the doctor today who committed suicide because all this pain and suffering got to be too much for her?). You echo my sentiments exactly. You chose your words well and they were spot on, too.

I also won't be venturing out until I know for sure this virus is under control. I have friends who call me paranoid. I say better paranoid than dead. Stay safe, my friend.

Sandy K. said...

Oh Jeanie, these are crazy times. I absolutely feel so much of what you are saying, and wonder when/if we will find our new normal. Generally my life doesn’t look much different from what it looked like “before,” other than I miss my weekly tea date with a friend I can’t see or hug right now. There are times I have energy to burn and feel like I am accomplishing a ton. Other days I feel prone to tears at the drop of a hat. And I can’t concentrate on a thing. My fear grows when I go to the store...something I dread and don’t do if I can help it. I am starting to think I will be afraid to be around people. I know I am not alone here. And when I get mad, it is at stupid people with no sense of empathy. The protests which endanger so many people in so many ways. There is no common sense. No understanding that we all have a part to play in beating down this global health threat. Even though we are frustrated. And scared. And sad. Not to mention I am in NEED of my hair dresser!🤣. We will get through this. I wonder how my spring clothes will fit!

Barb said...

It's good to vent occasionally. It releases the stress valve which isn't good for us. I agree - even if things begin to open, Bob and I will continue to isolate. We think we must take responsibility for our health and not depend on politicians to do it. It drives us crazy that even now after what - 6-7 weeks - we really don't know a lot about the virus and have way too little testing. "Facts" seem to change day by day. Though our sons would like to come see us (they say they'll stay outside and visit on the deck), we told them to stay away. Both of them are in essential businesses and are working in the city. They come in contact with a lot of people every day. So far so good - they and their families are well. However, with the long incubation of the virus, we really don't want visitors. Thanks Jeanie, now I vented too. Hope you stay well and stay sane! Hugs, Barb

Pamela said...

I never could have imagined anything like this, and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. I alternate between reading and watching everything and avoiding it all. It makes me sad and angry and disappointed. I want to be hopeful, but to tell the truth, I don’t feel it. I don’t know if I can ever go back to the USA. I’m grateful than I have traveled as much as I have. I’m thankful for my health and plan to do all I can to stay healthy. I’m so glad I found you and your blog. I feel a connection with you and how you think and live. Continue to be well.

French Ethereal said...

Jeanie, I'm sorry this was a tough day for you. I have days when I need to just get out... I am usually a homebody but on the bad days, I just go pick up drive through somewhere. Really, we have restaurants literally 1-2 miles either north or south of us. My school is 6 miles north and if Barnes and Noble were open, I'd jump in there and book browse with mask and gloves! Lol!! ;)

When we look at the statistics, 80% of the people who get this disease recover fine. I'm pretty sure I already had it, when you came to town and I was so sick?? I had all the symptoms and I have asthma. I just didn't go to the hospital to get checked or use a breathing machine, but I did use up an inhaler. My back/lungs hurt everywhere whenever I breathed and in weird spots I've never experienced before. There weren't tests then anywhere in Texas so who knows. I think it came through our area of Texas then as many of us had illnesses like none before.

Anyway, try not to worry as the postal workers are keeping themselves safe, I'm sure. Ours wear gloves when they deliver to our mailboxes. I see them just outside my glass door. :) I imagine all mail is sterilized nowadays. We just don't know it. I still think that the reason the virus was found on the ships 17 days later is because all of the interior of those cruise ships are enclosed spaces -- not open and aired out.

At least being at home on stay at home orders has given companies time to get supplies to hospitals around the nation so they are ready for any breakouts. <3 I don't think President Trump is lying; he can't control this anymore than he can control the weather. :) Capitol Hill is doing the best they can with an uncontrollable situation. At least they keep us informed. 100 years ago, President Woodrow Wilson couldn't stem the Spanish flu either...

Sending big hugs,
Barb :)

Danielle L Zecher said...

Well, I’m very glad you hit publish, because I definitely needed to read this today.

I’ve been very angry over a lot of the things you mentioned. I have a temper and tend to hold grudges, so I’ve been wondering if it’s just me. It helps to know it’s not. I am so angry with the people openly flaunting the social distancing rules and stay at home orders. Nick works in a branch of the emergency services, and my sister works in a lab that is doing COVD testing and doesn’t have adequate PPE. Right or wrong, I’ve come to view every social media post of blatant disregard for the rules as a personal attack on both of them. To be honest, I think I’m bothered by it much more than they are.

I’m terrified of something happening to Nick. I’m not a whole person without him, and I refuse to even contemplate living in a world without him. Selfishly, I’m terrified of getting sick. I have a deep and irrational fear of hospitals. Even visiting other people in them makes me very uncomfortable and panicked.

Like you, there are businesses I would love to support right now, but it’s just not worth the risk.

I’m thankful that we live in one of the few southern states with a governor who actually has sense and seems to want the people in his state to survive this. But then I get angry when I read things about our county commissioners trying to circumvent the governor’s orders.

Also, like you, I’m surprised at how little I’m getting done. I’m still working from home, but I feel like it’s taking me much longer than normal to finish projects. I thought I would finally make a respectable dent in my to be read pile, but I’ve read significantly less than before all of this started.

Thank you again for hitting publish. It does help to read about how other people are dealing with this.

Jodiebodie said...

Thank you for giving me an insiders view of what is happening in the USA. We hear news reports in Australia and are totally stunned at what we are hearing and seeing. The "all about me" attitude in the USA makes sense even if it is not totally appropriate in these times. It is my outsider's impression that America is very much all about the 'individual' and anything about 'the greater good' is often viewed with suspicion as a relative of communism. Is that true?
Wherever we live in the world, it is my belief that most people are good people doing the best they know how with what they have. There will be those who are selfish and those who are selfless.
May community-mindedness and love prevail.
P.S. You and I may both relate to a new hashtag I saw #regrowth! :-)
Gotta keep smiling!

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