An Awkward Relationship with Life

I'm having an awkward relationship with life these days. It's not that it's bad. Nor is it particularly boring. It's just sort of "there."
 

I'm having terrible trouble getting any mojo going at all. Our winter isn't hard. My friends in the East and Mid-Atlantic states are under blankets of snow. I have nothing to complain about weather-wise. We have some but it seems to be melting and that's fine with me. Our last two winters nearly broke my spirit.

But I just can't seem to move forward. Dead weeds still hanging on the door.  Pretty enough sometimes. And sometimes they are just dead weeds.

Part of this might be because I've felt pretty lousy for most of the month. The terrible headaches actually started before New Year's and were almost as bad as when I had shingles on my head. After weeks of nothing helping, X-rays revealed seriously impacted sinuses, so my doc, who doesn't over-prescribe, put me on a month's worth of antibiotics (after being on a couple of courses earlier). These are more hard core and have a few side effects that aren't nearly so bad as some but enough.

Meanwhile, the knee issue revealed nothing from the X-ray, but the insurance company wouldn't cover an MRI till four weeks of physical therapy and they have to get the prior authorization first. So too much walking (and getting up or sitting down or doing steps or anything where you bend the knee) hurts and the result is that I feel more sluggy than anything else.

Right now I feel like a pile of bad bones that simply don't want to do a heck of a lot.

And then there's the fatigue. I never sleep in the day. Never. Ever. Until these past couple of weeks.

I feel as though I'm following in the steps of She Who Must Be Obeyed. Not a bad life, but I'm not getting anything done!

All of this takes an emotional toll. I don't want to commit to anything because I just don't know how I'll feel when the time comes. I've passed up things I'd normally love to do because I just don't have it in me to sit and listen to a concert or hit a movie. This makes me feel very old and I don't like to feel old.

OK -- and this one is just whining. My camera is broken. I think I know what I want to replace it with but I can't find anyplace here in town that has the model in stock so I can actually hold it and see how heavy it is. A broken camera is hardly worth a rant, especially since my dropping it more than a few times caused the break. But when you start to get down, it all seems big!

So, forgive my little rant. I'm just a little grumpy! But I really want a little break in the action (or non-action) -- and some mojo.

Last year's productivity. It's not happening this year!

Meanwhile, there are a few looming deadlines -- all self-imposed to keep me on track. Next week I'm hosting a Make-and-Take Valentine workshop. (If you're in the area, let me know!). People can drop in, make a card (or ten of them, if they like) and split. I figured it was productive and good motivation to get the house in order and do some art myself.

And, it's nearly Valentine's Day and time to make Rick's annual poetry book -- a combination of poems reflecting our past year and some kind of handmade book. I found a few poems from past years and realized I am SO not up to my game these days!

And time is running out.

So, I think maybe I should close this whiny post, beg your forgiveness for a bit of a rant and actually get something done.

Or maybe not....